Giving Thanks

It's odd that Thanksgiving would make me feel homesick. I never felt we had huge traditions, but I guess it was still something we celebrated in some way. Though I'm not sure exactly what I feel homesick for. Of course Thanksgiving dinner sounds wonderful - it's hard to not get a craving for turkey in a country where meat generally equals pork.

I woke up this morning telling myself I was going to be thankful all day because, let's face it, it's a good exercise to avoid being bitter and complain. Of course I woke up sick and had to work on grad school applications all morning, then got to work and realized I had all my report cards due today and at the same time, I'm seeing everyone's status updates about going home for break. Exhaustion, frustration and jealousy were definitely suffocating gratitude.

I wanted to be in France, I wanted to be in the States. I wanted to be in BED. I really did not want to be in an academy in Daejeon, ROK, teaching English to kids who, let's face it, should probably be outside playing.

But when it comes down to it, I am grateful for this opportunity that often leaves me feeling sad and lonely. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is a time for me to reflect, to know myself better.
I have learned that, unlike I would have expected (and maybe a couple years ago, this may have been true) I do not relish in seclusion and extreme solitude. I've felt the sting of loneliness, even when in so many ways, I am not alone.
I've also come to realized that no matter what grand ideals I may spout about cultural relativism and all, I value some cultures over others. This seems rather obvious since I'm by no means saying that there is a universal hierarchy, more that I have a personal hierarchy, in spite of myself.
Kids can make me feel really insecure, especially when they're speaking in a language I don't understand, and they try my patience to the unfortunate point at which I don't want to hear Korean spoken anymore... rather inconvenient.

I know this post is entitled "Giving Thanks" and it probably seems like I'm ranting more than anything (which may be somewhat true) but the point is, it's easy (-ish) to give thanks about happy things but because something is difficult does not mean it isn't valuable. So I am grateful for all these frustrating things, for all these sad times, for all these startling realizations, because I know there is so much to learn from them.

To end on a happier note:
I am grateful to those who have stood by me and supported me through insecurities and doubts
to the family who I know is always there for me, even when they are impossible to reach, even when they are thousands of miles away
to the friends who have made everywhere I go home.

Mirrors of Insecurity

This was not what I intended to write this next blog about. On the other hand, I also intended to write this post a month ago and did not intend to write it when I meant to be working on my personal statement for grad schools. But I'm working on getting used to things not going as I intend, so I've decided to go with it. (Picture by Courtney).

I was writing my personal statement and working on accounting for my year in Korea. Specifically I was thinking about how on the one hand, certain western standards seem to have become the norm, or at least the desired goal, while on the other hand, westernization is certainly not complete. Korea is not Western, even if it has adopted certain aspects of the Western world. Of course this could get us into a long discussion of what exactly is Western since even among Western countries, there are differences in values and norms but for the sake of simplicity, I'll stick to that term.

These thoughts on standards train of thought reminded me of a set of opposing interactions I've had here. On the one hand, I have found myself completely outside the beauty standard I suppose. These have for the most part just been amusing, like students telling me I'm a man because I am too tall to be a woman or asking me why I have yellow hair. Other moments have been more comparative, like a group of young men being told to "go Korean" for women because they'll age better and still look good when white girls will look old. On the other hand, I've had conversations with young women who want to get their hair died to look like mine, or worse, have plastic surgery to get their eyes changed so they look like mine.

While I feel self-conscious from getting weird looks in the street, it seems a lot of the young women I know here are struggling with what they should look like. There is a push to conform to the standard, but they aren't sure what the standard is.

As much as some comments or looks I get make me feel insecure whether they are from students or from random middle-aged women in the store, I am far more uncomfortable when I get sincere compliments from beautiful friends who want to change everything about themselves.